September 13th: Lauren Roll's Story

High school was normal.

I was just another kid finding my way and getting through. Things were good. I had plenty of friends, I was doing well in school and I had finally broken through on the soccer team. As a freshman and sophomore, I hadn't really found my role on the team and didn't realize just how much potential I really had. But I had worked my butt off, and my junior season was going to be big. It was my time to shine.

Then September 13th happened.

Rachel was new at school. She had just transferred in and even though she was still trying to get settled and find her place, she was so outgoing and nice to everybody. Even if you didn't know Rachel that well, you at least knew how kind of a person she was. The two of us had a couple classes together and through that became good friends. Rachel was somebody that was always smiling and had the type of personality that made everyone around her happy. But on September 13, 2013, I got the news nobody ever wants to hear.

I stepped into my bathroom and slammed the door behind me. I threw myself at the nearest wall and slowly slid to the floor. I stared into space in utter disbelief. My friend read a tweet aloud and I found out a close friend was gone. Rachel was pronounced dead at the scene of a car accident, caused by driving under the influence.

It was one of those events that puts things into perspective. You don't realize just how fragile life is until something like that happens. It was the first time that I had experienced anything remotely that serious in my entire life. I hadn't ever been around death. So, having something that traumatic happen to me when I was only 16 years old stuck with me. It still sticks with me to this day. How could it not? Sometimes I even shake just talking about it.

I think experiencing such a devastating loss made me want to live my life to the fullest. Whether it was spending time with family or friends, being in the classroom, or playing soccer. From then on, I was going to give it my all. Because you just never know when it could end. When it could all be taken from you. Like it was from Rachel. She was never going to graduate high school or college. She was never going to get married and have her dad walk her down the aisle. She was never going to get the chance to be a mother. She was so young and was going to miss so many of life's achievements.

So, I did. I gave life everything I had. Especially in soccer. As a senior, I was one of the best players on my team. I was working so hard and it was paying off. I played as if each moment was my last and it showed on the field. So much so that before my high school career ended, I signed to play college soccer for Ball State University.

I remember the first time I stepped foot on campus. My family and I were there for my sister's volleyball tournament. But as we made our way through campus, I was in awe. As I saw all the beautiful brick buildings and the incredible bell tower, for the first time I could actually envision myself as a student on a college campus. And believe me, I had visited some pretty cool schools before. I'm from Cincinnati so I had been places like Ohio State and Xavier. But nothing compared to that feeling I got when I saw the soccer field at Ball State's Briner Sports Complex for the first time.

I loved the turf. I loved the beauty of the field and the surrounding area. To this day, I still just look around from time to time and think about how much I love the soccer field. It's definitely one of the nicest facilities in the country. I could see myself playing there and it just felt so right. I just loved everything I saw and everything about it. So, I knew I needed to make it happen. I contacted one of the assistant coaches to find out how I could play here, and she told me to come to one of their camps. I did exactly that and eventually signed as a walk on.
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I was so excited to get to Ball State and start playing. But when I finally did, it wasn't exactly what I expected. You see, in high school it felt like it took me so long to climb to the top. I was never the biggest, or most athletic or most technically gifted, but I worked hard and got to where I wanted to be. And now I was at a new school with new coaches, new teammates, and I felt like I was at the bottom again.

I wasn't playing. I struggled so much on the field and I was letting my emotions get the best of me. I couldn't get it through my thick skull that everyone messes up and makes mistakes, so I would completely take myself out of a play purely out of frustration. It was so bad that I was embarrassed to even go home for Christmas because I knew my family would ask me how soccer was going, and I didn't want to talk about it. I even questioned at times whether this was right for me. Whether Ball State was actually where I needed to be.

Remember how I said I was going to live life to the fullest and give it everything I had? I guess I just lost sight of that for a while.

Then September 13th happened.

Two years later on the exact day that Rachel had passed away, we traveled to Bloomington to play Indiana. Despite all my struggles that year I was surprisingly allowed to make the trip with the team. But, understandably, I just was not there mentally. My mind was with Rachel that day. Then something unexpected happened.

One unique pregame ritual Ball State soccer has is we get in a circle and have a pregame prayer. It's open to any and all players who wish to be a part of it. That day was so hard for me, but so many girls on the team prayed for me in that circle. Prayed for me to have the strength to be there with them and let me know that they were there for me. As a freshman who had struggled all year, to hear those girls say to me, "We know you're hurting, and we know this is hard. But you're a part of our family now and we'll always be there for you," it felt so amazing to have that support.

I guess you could say my commitment to living life to the fullest and giving my all was renewed that day. It was kind of an awakening for me. Instead of feeling sorry for myself that I wasn't playing and thinking I wasn't good enough, I realized just how phenomenal our team was that year. I realized that these girls were like a family to me now. That I could rely on them and count on them to lift me up through the good times and the bad.

I also thought of how good things actually were. I mean, I have two incredible parents that mean the world to me. They are the most supportive people I know. Even though I wasn't playing at all they would travel from Ohio to every single one of my games and get there an hour early, just so they could watch me warm up. Which was often the only time I'd be on the field. They still haven't missed a game yet. I never realized how much that meant to me at the time. I never really thought about the dedication they gave to watching me grow and develop as a person and a player. It's something I definitely value so much more now because I see the time and commitment they've put forth, particularly over the last four years.

My attitude changed that day and it made all the difference. I fought through the rest of freshman year and came back with a new mindset, ready for my sophomore season. Before the next season started, coach Roberts asked me to switch from forward to midfielder. A year earlier that probably would have set me off, but now I was willing to give it a try. And it couldn't have worked out better. The first play in my new position, I made a move that broke my defender's ankles and then made my way down the field. It felt perfect.

For coach to see in me what I didn't see in myself was so amazing. There are very few coaches like that across the country. Since that time, coach and his staff have helped me so much and worked with me. They've stayed after practices, helped me perfect my moves and crosses, cut film and were honest with me on my performances and their expectations.

Things have just taken off since then. I came in as a walk on but earned a scholarship as a sophomore. I've had one ever since. We've won our division three years in a row now. I'm perfectly happy with all the playing time I'm getting. I feel like my role on this team is exactly what I envisioned it would be when I used to dream about playing college soccer. I was even selected to serve as a team captain for my senior season. I can't express how much of an honor that is to me.

The commitment I made to live my best life on September 13, 2013, and then remade two years later, is getting me exactly where I want to go. Even though Rachel isn't here anymore, she's still lifting me up. I do my best to take her with me everywhere I go.

September 13th still comes around every year. But I don't dread it anymore.

I embrace it.

Ball State University Athletics

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